Male and Female Balance

Diamond Light Tantra Workshop in Action – Video Link I

Hear and see workshop participants, both couples and individuals, share experiences of Diamond Light Tantra workshops.  See workshop clips and Leora teaching.

*  The beauty of healthy boundaries

*  Tantra is more than you may have imagined

*  Heal, transform, learn, love, celebrate and play safely and with choice and beauty


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The Love of Strangers

Natural Health Magazine

A Tantra workshop that teaches you love and compassion for even those you don’t fancy? Tania Ahsan discovers you can arouse feelings for anyone in your heart – with startling results

There are two reasons why a Tantra workshop should strike terror in my heart. First, I am Asian and we don’t believe in sex unless it is within the confines of a legally, religiously and socially acceptable marriage. Second, I am British and we don’t hug, stare at strangers, or talk about boobs and willies. We also tend to show the emotional range of a cucumber. And we don’t mention the rude shape of the aforementioned salad ingredient. So to say I’m out of my comfort zone at the Diamond Light Tantra workshop in North London is an understatement.

The participants are equally divided between men and women and there is a range of ages, shapes and sizes here. A couple of people look like supermodels but most of us are quite ordinary looking – though a few who are regulars on the workshops seem to have an inner glow that belies any outward appearance.

The workshop facilitator is Leora Lightwoman, a petite, charming woman with masses of experience in teaching Tantra. She regularly says what we’re thinking and slows down the freight train of weird thoughts that run through my head. We are expected, right from the start, to hold the gaze of strangers of the opposite sex; a deeply intimate experience that I could barely manage with former partners, let alone complete strangers. I find that after the initial discomfort, I can hold my partner’s gaze and the embarrassment subsides quite quickly.

The day runs through a number of exercises in which you regularly change partners and connect with new strangers. At one point a man I don’t fancy strokes my hand and I get a bit weak-kneed. This is very confusing as surely you’re only meant to respond with that boom-boom feeling to men you fancy? Leora explains that it is not unusual to feel a bit confused at this as we’re programmed to assume that sensual pleasure is connected with a romantic relationship, so often people assume they’re in love with their workshop partners when it may just be that they are meant to share a loving, safe experience with them and then move on. I definitely know I’m not in love with that particular partner but I am intrigued as to what mechanism can turn a very innocent touch into a sexual experience. Does this mean that suddenly I’ll be having erotic experiences handing over change at the supermarket? It’s all rather startling and I realise that not only have I left my comfort zone but it’s now way, way behind me, almost out of sight.

And then there’s nakedness and suddenly I realise I’m in a different time zone to my comfort zone. It happens so suddenly that my jaw barely has time to hit the floor. One of Leora’s helpers is demonstrating the next exercise, a sort of firm massage and then a light fingertip touch that is called a ‘tantra touch’. She gets butt naked. As naked as the day she was born. She has curves. She is very beautiful and is ridiculously confident while butt naked in a roomful of strangers. Leora picks up on what we’re thinking and assures us that we can get as naked or not as we like. I’m thinking ‘not’. She then reassures us that nakedness is natural and you can tell that she’s probably had to say that several hundred times over the years that she’s taught this course. ‘Grow up!’ I admonish my inner child who is still pointing and shocked at the fact that there’s a naked woman in the room.

As we begin the exercise ourselves, I have a surreal moment when I look around the room and there are several willies and boobies in evidence. Oh Lord. I am reassured by the fact that there are also prudes like me in the room who remain resolutely dressed. The space that Leora has created is, however, ‘sacred’ in a way that I have never experienced before. Sacred space is not just about lighting some incense and doing a little chant – it is about safety and comfort and protection. It is very rare to find a workshop where you feel you won’t be judged and in which you don’t judge others.

The last exercise of the day was the most profound for me and that’s saying something, given that I cried and hugged my way through most of the other exercises (where is that firm British resolve when you need it?). We were instructed to pair up with someone we hadn’t worked with that day and this gorgeous Hugh Laurie look-a-like gave me a huge beam from across the room. Hurrah!

When we stare into each other’s eyes, Leora had asked us to see ourselves in the other person. The idea is that you’re not concentrating on the external ‘do I fancy this man/woman?’ but that the person is mirroring you and you can see your own essence in them. The Hugh Laurie dude was ideally suited to mirroring me as we both clearly deflect uncomfortable feelings through humour. The exercise was about saying our feelings out loud; a prospect even more daunting than the boobies and willies. We were laughing and kidding around like naughty school kids but when we stilled enough to do the exercise, I could see his – and my – pain that is always behind an armour of layers and layers of mockery, satire and humour. Suddenly I wasn’t laughing and he wasn’t laughing and for a split second we were present. I saw him. He saw me. The truth of us both, not strangers at a workshop or a man and a woman but just two sides of one coin being flipped over and over and over in a cosmic toss that was both playful and meaningful. Then the sensation was gone and we were silly kids having a laugh again. And that was perfect too.

Quite frankly, the workshop changed me. I ceased thinking of relationships as a combat sport and I also stopped thinking about love as a possession. Being a bit old fashioned I had always thought of partners in a possessive sense; MY boyfriend, MY fiancé and eventually MY husband. I no longer need to possess the people I have a connection with. For example I didn’t immediately start stalking Hugh Laurie man just because we shared a special experience (something quite unheard of for me). When you glimpse a man, any man, as representing all men, as representing essential ‘maleness’, then you no longer place the same pressure on one man to be your everything. You hold each other in a lighter way and you bring back simple ‘fun’ into the relationship. And I’m all for more fun.

More information

Diamond Light Tantra are having an introductory evening on the 18th of September in London at a cost of £25. These evenings are a taster of what happens at the workshops. For more information visit or call 0845 388 2231.

What is Tantra?

Leora Lightwoman explains Tantra thus: Tantra is the marriage of Energy (Shakti, the feminine) and Consciousness (Shiva, the masculine principle). Tantra is also the union of opposites (e.g. Passion and Presence – some people would see these as opposed), the union of energy and consciousness, feminine and masculine etc. It is the place beyond duality where it is directly experienced that one (apparent opposite) is the other, and the other is the one.

Jeremy’s story

Julie and I have been married for 23 years and, as all couples who manage 23 years, you have your ups and downs. There we were, Julie and me looking at each other, getting into bed together every night and over the period of those decades, perhaps you stop seeing each other in the way we had. I suggested [the Tantra workshop] and Julie, perhaps she was looking or rather not looking at me in that way, and must have thought, “yeah, go on then, why not?”

The workshop was an opportunity for us to listen to other people’s frank openness and honesty in a way that was really refreshing and freeing – the environment gave us a great opportunity to see that we were not alone in our desire to understand ourselves and each other and to find a channel back to our physical love of each other, that can be over-layered with years of familiarity which seemed to have resulted in us not necessarily feeling that quite so strongly. Familiar love is very comfortable and I think it can get in the way of physical love sometimes, to both partners’ detriment.

We were both blown away by the effect of the experience and it is just not possible to explain in a “few words” how sex with someone you have been making love to for over 20 years can feel so new and exciting, because it really did – and still does!


You can do this either on your own in front of a mirror, or with a partner. If you are with a partner, sit comfortably opposite each other. If you are in front of a mirror, sit comfortably facing yourself.

Close your eyes and breathe into your belly, allowing your body to relax. Become aware of the sensations inside you. When you are relaxed and in touch with your body, open your eyes and receive your own or your partner’s gaze. Let 60-70% of your attention be with yourself and your inner experience, rather than looking outwards.

This is called receptive gaze. Breathe naturally and fully and notice the feelings and sensations that arise. As best you can keep welcoming all feelings and sensations, and look beyond the physical appearance of yourself or your partner towards their essence, their heart, their deep humanity.

Gently, tenderly and very finely, stroke your partner’s or your own face, with the intention of stroking away the pain and rigidity, the ‘mask’ that you or they have adopted, to, through love, liberate more of their true essential beauty.

Receive this caress as you receive your or your partner’s gaze, and be open to the possibility of allowing yourself to soften, to melt, to let go. If you feel sad or loving or whatever, just let it happen, and you can let your feelings show without words. After 3-4 minutes, if you are with a partner, swap round. After you have finished, just sit in silence in eye contact for another minute.

Written by Tania Ahsan, Natural Health Magazine, August 2009

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Let There Be Love

Spirit and Destiny Magazine

Maggie Richards drops into an after-work class and finds out you can do it in a tracksuit as well as your birthday suit.

We’ve all heard of tantric sex, thanks to Sting and Trudie. I’ve always thought it sounded tantalising, but also mystifying. So when I hear about a midweek introductory evening on the subject, curiosity meets convenience and I sign up. I sit nervously with 20 strangers in a London hotel meeting room, worrying that I might have to writhe on the floor with a stranger.Thankfully, tonight’s class is described as a gentle introduction to Diamond Light Tantra, a method developed by Leora Lightwoman, 39, an Oxford graduate who’s taught tantra for 14 years. Her pragmatic approach to sexual, emotional and spiritual healing is based on tantric practices that emerged in India from 300-400AD.

‘Tantra is about coming homing home to the body,’ she explains. ‘By noticing the way we feel, we can change the energy processes in our body to experience a sense of expansion and freedom. So many of us are stuck in the past or worrying about the future. We want to connect, emotionally and sexually, yet we’re often afraid of being hurt. So we feel divided.’

Tantra can help heal this rift by giving us practical tools to connect with directly with our body, heart, and sexuality. ‘By aligning sexuality and love, we’re more likely to fall in love with someone we fancy, and feel attracted to the one we love.’

There are three couples, two widows, and even a mother and daughter in our group. A woman in her sixties says tantra saved her life after she was diagnosed with cancer seven years ago. She embraced it as part of a holistic attempt to cure herself. I feel inspired by her story.

We begin by closing our eyes and shaking our right hands hard. Afterwards mine feels much bigger and more alive than my left. I like being reminded of how it feels to really be in my body. Next, Leora plays some uplifting staccato classical music and invites us to start shaking on the spot with our eyes closed. Although I’m a bit self-conscious, it feels nice to let go and just jiggle about. We’re then asked to pair up for an exercise called ‘Namaste’, which translates as ‘bowing down to you’ and is a way of honouring our partner as a mirror of ourselves.

I look into the clear brown eyes of a smiley Asian guy in his late twenties as we simultaneously bring our hands to our chests in the prayer position. We keep them there as we lean forward so our foreheads meet. When we life our heads back up, we say ‘Namaste’. My next partner cries as I hold her gaze, and I can tell they’re healing tears. ‘There’s something about your face’, she says eventually. ‘It’s so open.’

Next is the pelvic bowl dance. ‘The pelvis is the seat of our sensuality, full of energy!’ Leora enthuses. I swirl mine around while looking a new partner in the eye, feeling like a bit of a ninny, until Leora says: ‘It’s your pelvis! Move it how you want to move it!’ I start to enjoy rotating my hips and sticking my bum out to the music, giggling as my inner child takes over. This is the idea, it seems. When we connect with the essential aliveness in our body, an innocence arises.

Next, I feel loving as I stroke a middle-aged woman’s hair. I didn’t think I’d like touching a stranger’s head, but I just feel a tenderness and respect for her humanity.

Now I’m in front of a tall, kind-looking man in his thirties. Eyes closed, we’re meant to feel into our hearts and imagine meeting the other’s heart through touching fingertips. But I tense up. I don’t like the feel of his fingertips on mine, and I want the exercise to be over.

He looks surprised when I admit this during our ‘sharing’ afterwards, as he enjoyed the experience. I’m relieved that the ‘bad’ feeling of having my space invaded doesn’t stay with me for long. Leora points out that while a big part of tantra is about letting down barriers and connecting with yourself and others, it’s important to keep some boundaries in place. As a woman, I find it healing to let myself say no to uncomfortable situations, and decide that’s what I’ll do in the future.

Finally, we take it in turns to say how we’re feeling. Everyone’s calm and the room is peaceful. A twentysomething who was dragged along by his girlfriend says it’s brought him closer to her. ‘I’ve cried a box of tissues! She reveals shyly, raising the hankies in the air.

I feel serene, and grateful to have been reminded that behind our different faces, we’re all the same. We all want to love and be loved. I’ll be back, and I’ll recommend tantra to anyone who wants a deeper connection with themselves and with the world.

▪ For Diamond Light Tantra introduction evenings and longer courses, call 0845 388 2231 or visit

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Spiritual Therapy: Tantra

Spirit and Destiny Magazine

Beatriz Rocha, 38, and Dario Rumbo, 39, both grew up in Spain, having been born into Latin American families. Dario, a photographer, came to live in England in 1992 and settled in London. The couple first met at a photoshoot in Spain when Beatriz was a part time model. She is now a lawyer.

Beatriz says:

Our relationship began as a fling in the summer of 1995. Dario would come back to Spain to see his family during the holidays, so the next time I saw him was at Christmas. I found him very attractive, and there was definitely strong chemistry between us. We spent a lot of time talking by phone until I visited him in London in February. We were very much in love, but I couldn’t see a future for myself there-I’m trained in Spanish law, which is completely different from English law. Also, I spoke hardly any English. I found London overwhelming and the pace of life was way too hectic. I would have felt totally lost there.

It was fairly easy to have such a long-distance relationship at the beginning. I just trusted that everything would work itself out in the end. We always had so much fun when we met, usually for about a week every three months, often in different countries and cities. But it became a bit of a roller-coaster ride. Sometimes it was wonderful, but there were times when I wondered if I was wasting my time. I decided to accept it for what it was and enjoy what we had. The one thing I did know was that Dario was the man for me. I was never attracted to anyone else.

But at times it was very hard, only seeing each other every three months, and I got tired of all the goodbyes-it was so sad to leave him. Dario wanted me in London. He told me he could never live in Spain, as he’d established himself professionally as a photographer in the UK.

Within a year I noticed Dario had started to get moody, and sometime he would turn his phone off for a week. I tried to be supportive, but I began to get fed up with focusing on his feelings and needs all the time. I felt there was no support left for me, and I got tired of holding us both. Something had to change.

I remember being in Watkins Book, a famous esoteric bookshop in London, and seeing an advert for Diamond Light Tantra. It’s a healing system that works on your relationship with yourself, your body and your sexual nature. It’s based on traditional practices from tantra, an ancient spiritual path, which emerged in India sometime between 400AD and 300AD, and mainly uses meditation, movement and guided visualization to bring you back in touch with your true nature or spirit.

Dario and I were both curious, so I was angry later when he told me he’d done a Diamond Light Tantra weekend workshop-where you work through exercises with a tutor and a group of strangers-without letting me know. Although I was cross when I found out, this would have been in early 1998, and looking back, I know my English wouldn’t have been good enough to attend.

Dario went to more workshops, and after each one he’d be very stirred up emotionally. He was so up and down I found it scary and confusing, and he’d need time to absorb what he’d experienced before he could explain it. Sometimes I wondered whether I could do something like that. It just seemed so wild.

Dario told me Diamond Light Tantra escalates through different levels of training, bringing the body and spirit closer together each time. After completing level three, he suggested that we live together in Barcelona, and that’s when I could see the changes in him at first hand. Rather than storming out after a row, he would stay and express his feelings clearly.

I was impressed, and decided I would at least try a workshop on holiday in Greece. Although I was hesitant and quite shy to start with, I could feel myself opening up. I’ve since completed the level three workshop with Dario in England. You might do physical work such as dancing or pairing up with someone to stroke their hair, touch fingertips or other exercises that explore physical and emotional intimacy.

The workshops teach you how easy it is to say no. My father was very strict, and as a result I became a good girl-too good, in fact. I always did well at school, and became a people-pleaser. Tantra has helped me feel free to talk about anything. If I feel jealous or angry, I can tell Dario about it, whereas before I was too proud. I used to bottle it all up and just stew.

When a relationship becomes truly intimate, so does the sex. The freedom I have to express myself means I can also express my body with the same freedom. I used to be self-conscious and preoccupied with not looking good enough, but not anymore.
This journey has been very painful at times, but I’m committed to tantra now. It’s as if I’ve discovered a treasure chest inside me and I want to keep unearthing these diamonds. Now we’re getting ready to do the ‘Deep Diving’ series of workshops together-levels four to seven of the training done in a closed group over 12 months. In these workshops you use words, movement, visualisations and partner exercises to find love, joy and awareness and transform yourself. The idea is that you can heal past love or sexual experiences, explore play to return love to intimate relationships and deepen your sexual pleasure and spiritual connectedness. We’re both very excited and happy about it.

Dario Says:

I spent 12 years in London, first studying and then working, and loved it. I had a big circle of friends and it was home to me. I never wanted to return to Spain, and spent years in this agonising dilemma about where Beatriz and I should live.

We’d been together for a week and then apart for three months, and this went on for almost four years. At times I found the loneliness unbearable. ‘She’s the one I love’, I’d tell myself, ‘so why isn’t she with me?’ I think both of us were terrified of the next step. I kept asking myself: ‘What on earth is going on? Why is this so painful? Why can’t I have what I really want?’

For me, it became a love-hate relationship. I just couldn’t cope with it and became very needy. I began an intense search for answers, and tantra kept jumping out at me. I was curious about the sexual side-everyone is-but there was far more to it than that. I tried an introductory evening, and immediately felt natural and at home there. It was a place where I could safely let go and work through all my pent-up emotions.

I threw myself into the workshops and found them incredibly powerful. I’d go to one every three months or so, in various retreat centres in the south of England. It would bring up all sorts of emotional pain.

My teenage years had been very troubled. My father was an alcoholic, my mother was very depressed, and they argued constantly. I became an extreme adrenalin junkie, doing all kinds of crazy thrill-seeking things that almost cost me my life-like riding a motorbike at 125mph. with no helmet on, while under the influence of drugs. I tried to channel the aggression I felt into martial arts and boxing, and that’s when my body started tightening up.

In my early twenties I had a mental breakdown and tried to commit suicide. I had psychiatric therapy after that for two years, but it wasn’t until I discovered tantra that I’ve been really able to tame my emotions and understand myself.

As I dealt with my emotions in the workshops, I had amazing physical healing experiences-the tightness and pain that I’d had in my legs, knees and back for years all started easing. I became more flexible and yielding on the inside, and so it seems my body was able to become more pliable. I also began finding it much easier to spend time with my father.

The initial set of workshops were so intensely healing for me, I was dying to move on the next stage. But I realised I really had to be with Beatriz, so I put it all on hold and settled with her in Barcelona five years ago. I thought I may as well put everything I’d learned about relationships into practice. Now we’re doing the Deep Diving set of workshops together.

There were times when I nearly split up with Beatriz as I found the situation too painful and complex. Tantra gave me the courage to face whatever came up, and to see Beatriz as a mirror for my feelings, not the cause of them. She’s been the key to bringing balance into my life.

▪For more information about Diamond Light Tantra, call 0845 388 2231 or visit

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Opening to Bliss

London South East Connection

Tantra is something you experience. It is not something that you can learn from books. However, reading about it can inspire you to take the step into the experience. It can also serve to guide you, once you are practicing the tools that Tantra gives you. Below I reproduce a typical conversation that may help demystify the nuts and bolts of what happens on a Diamond Light Tantra weekend.

First, a little bit about me. At school I was a serious A-student. I went to Oxford and read psychology. I was pretty unhappy. I left Oxford and became a yoga teacher. I learned a lot, grew a lot, and became a fuller and happier person. I was blissful though only when dancing. Sex was not blissful.

Then I discovered Tantra and I began to loosen up, soften up, open up. True joy was able to flow. Laughter and sexual pleasure, love and reverence. I felt as if I was coming home.

So now, and for the last 13 years, I have been teaching Tantra. My school is called Diamond Light Tantra, and it is essentially about healing. It is about returning to innocence and connecting with your natural sexual aliveness, remembering the Divine, and celebrating your uniqueness.

This account below is an amalgam of two conversations that happened not too long ago:

“Hello, this is Diamond Light Tantra, Leora speaking. How can I help?” A moment of silence on the other end of the phone, then a quiet, young-sounding voice replies,
Yes, hi. My friend told me about you. I’d like to find out some more please.

“Of course”, I responded, “what would you like to know?”
The Level 1 weekend, Opening to Bliss, the one that’s coming up, she replies,, I don’t have a boyfriend. Can I still come?
“Yes, you can. In fact at least half the group will be individuals”

Oh, really, how does that work? I mean, will I be paired with someone I don’t know?

“The workshop will be gender-balanced, which means that there will be equal numbers of individual male participants and individual female participants. Most of the exercises involve a partner, some don’t. In those that that do, you will work with someone different for each exercise. And there’s always choice. That’s one of the themes we’ll be focusing on at the beginning of the workshop.”

You mean I don’t have to work with anyone I don’t want to work with?

“Yes, that’s right. And also within each meeting and each exercise you can choose your boundaries, how close you want to be, how you want to engage. So that anything you do, anyone you work with, how you work with them is really your choice.”
What about if they want something different?
“Isn’t that often the case in any ongoing relationship?” I ask. “The exercise gives you tools to address these differences in a win-win situation, rather than as a dull compromise.”

I’d be really curious to find out how that works! This boundary thing, I’m not very good at it. That’s partly why my friend suggested I call you. Like with my last boyfriend. I stayed in the relationship long after I knew it was time to leave. And sexually, because I loved him, I did things I didn’t want to do. Her voice was wavering a bit. It was still quite raw.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” I pause and wait for her to be ready to talk some more. “You’d be surprised how many people, both male and female struggle with boundaries.”
“Oh, yes. In the case of a man, it might manifest as him doing things to please his woman, but resenting it at the same time. Or avoiding certain topics of conversation or certain situations, in order not to encounter a situation that would require him to say “no”, or else to do something he doesn’t want to do. In the case of women, what you describe is more common. Saying yes out of love for another, but losing touch with self-love and self-care in the process.”
That sounds like me.
“That’s how it has been up to now” I suggest, “not how it has to be from now on.”

If it’s that easy, how come it hasn’t worked so far? I mean with my ex-boyfriend, we really tried. I read books, we talked, made agreements…And I loved him too, but we just couldn’t work it out. And I kept having the feeling that there must be more to sex than this.

“Yes, that’s the sad thing. Most couples really want their relationship to work. But sometimes it takes a shift of focus for things to slot into place. Problem-solving is a mental activity; sex takes place in the body. The only way to experience blissful sex is to be totally present in the body, in the moment, rather than planning for the next one. Tantra is about experiencing your body as the temple of the spirit, and becoming fully present. It’s also about experiencing yourself as more than your physical body. It is about expansion of consciousness, of experience, which is naturally blissful.”
Ah. A pause. I think I understand. Well, it sounds good anyway.

And how sexual does the workshop get? Do I need to take my clothes off? I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I’ve never done anything like this before.

“Those questions are on most people’s minds! It’s just that not everyone dares to ask. For the majority of the workshop you will be fully clothed. Then there’s a gentle, respectful and beautiful touch meditation on the Sunday, in which you will have the opportunity to remove clothing if that feels right for you at the time. And there’s no need to.”
Oh, that’s a relief!

“Is there anything else you’d like to know?”

The others who will be there-what kind of people are they? What kind of ages? I’m 28. Will there be others around my age? What are the usual reasons for attending? And how does it work with a mixture of couples and single people?

“Well, it’s really all sorts! The common theme is some level of self-awareness and a strong desire to know more about themselves and their relationship, or to heal past patterns and to find a new way to be in future relationships. You’re probably on the younger end of the spectrum-there are usually a few people in their 20s, with the majority in their 30s, 40s, and 50s and a few in their 60s. The youngest participant I’ve worked with was 19-she attended with her 20-year-old boyfriend, and they both loved it, and the oldest 82! People attend for different reasons. To re-kindle the lost flame of passion in a long-term relationship, to extend sexuality into spiritual realms, to find healing, harmony, love, and, like you, bliss. Couples work just with their partner; individuals as I mentioned before, work with different people.”

And what else happens on the weekend?

“There’s a beautiful ritual called “Awakening the Senses” which is what it says on the packet. When you become fully present in each of your five senses, it’s possible to experience heightened states of sensitivity and bliss through simple sensory inputs. This is all conducted with a high level of honouring and respect, care, beauty and magic. It is said in Tantric texts that the senses can be the gateways to the infinite. By being fully present in the body, in the moment, it is possible to transcend the physical and open to the Divine.

“Then we focus on energy movement through the body. This is fundamental for sexual experience to be anything more than purely pleasurable. When energy flows through the whole body, during lovemaking, sexual energy when it rises to the heart becomes joy, and when it extends up to the head, to the third eye, it becomes, bliss.”

And there’s no direct sexual contact in this?

“No, it happens through breathing, movement and, the real key, letting go. And its great fun too. It is also a chance to let go of old blocks and to relax into your natural aliveness. Tantra is about being deeply relaxed and at the same time tingling with aliveness.”

“You also learn a meditation to harmonize your chakras, your energy centres, so that you can deeply connect with yourself, a pre-requisite to deeply connecting with another. By the way, you don’t need to believe in anything. It’s all experiential-you take away what’s meaningful to you, and leave what isn’t. And on Saturday night there’s a celebration, a celebration of you, a celebration of everyone’s uniqueness.”

Thank you. This really helps. I’d like to come. And, oh yes, one more question. What does ‘Tantra’ actually mean?

“It means the marriage of energy and consciousness-becoming aware of and in charge of the energy flow in your body, and liberating more of who you really are. It’s fundamentally about love, expansion, union, and truth. Bliss is our true and natural state of being. Tantra helps us open to this.”

▪Leora Lightwoman/Diamond Light Tantra can be contacted on 0845 388 2231,,

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Angst to Ecstacy

Kindred Spirit Magazine

The hidden gift in the ordinariness of relationships is the potential for transcendence. When the archetype of man and woman, the masculine and feminine, Shiva and Shakti, is lived, experienced, and expressed in lovemaking deep fulfilment of our true nature is the result. Tantra teacher Leora Lightwoman opens her fascinating casebook to reveal the way forward for those in failing relationships and shows how to turn the power struggle into passion.

As a Tantra teacher, I am privileged to know, and to witness, some of the intimate and intricate stories of many different couples. Better still, I am frequently in the position to experience their transformation. In sharing some of these stories I will show you a rough map to identify some patterns of conflict. All of these patterns share a common theme-in each case there has been a loss, usually of a dream, and certainly of connection, intimacy, bonding, and partnership. Through diving more deeply into the heart of the archetype expressed in the battle, it is possible to identify the quality of longing, the true needs of each partner, and the missing piece in the relationship. By opening the heart and remembering our true selves, this apparent loss can become the guiding principle for rediscovering wholeness, purpose, love, passion, and sexual fulfilment. We can understand different personal, sexual, and relationship challenges in terms of archetypal energy patterns.


Another glorious Christmas eve, and Lucy and Ray had decided to do it differently this time. After a stream of family gatherings, ranging from the warm and cosy to last year’s storming out of the room in tears, they had decided to go away to the Caribbean. Here they were, at the beach-side bar, drinking iced cocktails at sunset, and for the second year running they were discussing divorce… ‘Well, sex isn’t exciting or passionate as it used to be but that’s normal, isn’t it? After all we’ve been together a long time now-over seven years.’

I have heard this kind of statement many times, the assumption being that ongoing relationships, and domestic routine, are bound to get boring, and that passionate sex is likely to suffer. And I would be inclined to agree. That is, that the challenge of boredom, disillusionment and diminishing desire will at some time be faced by most couples. The question then becomes, how do they understand and interpret this situation, and how do they respond to it? Without a wider perspective, a transformational approach and a commitment to inner growth, the available options tend to fall into four main categories: End the relationship, Try to spice it up, Look outside the relationship to find passionate sex and intimacy or Endure! Couples may oscillate between these approaches, or stick at one, with varying degrees of success. There are usually, however, unwanted consequences. Lucy and Ray had tried all of these. They had met in their mid-20s at a club, and tried all sorts of sexual exploration-S&M, erotic parties, threesomes, you name it. And it had been great fun. Then, one week when Ray was away on business, Lucy had a brief affair. ‘I thought we had an open relationship,’ she told Ray. ‘I thought we had an open relationship,’ she told Ray. ‘I didn’t think you’d mind.’ Ray, and their relationship, had never been the same since. After a long period of sticking with it, trying to make it work, and further heartbreak, they were scratchy, angry and dissatisfied. They both wanted out, but by then their beautiful daughter Annabelle had been born. Despite the enjoyment and fulfilment they both felt in being parents, alongside this were sleepless nights, no sex, financial stress and exhaustion. They had lost their dream of being a fulfilled and happy family. They had forfeited trust and given up hope. So what else could there be? They decided to journey inwards. With the aid of clear guidance in the form of Diamond Light Tantra workshops and couples’ sessions, they embarked on a process of opening their hearts to each other, and truly sharing their own, and hearing each others deepest fears, pain, hopes and dreams. They looked at their own personal histories, identified patterns, grieved losses and let go of old ways that were not serving them. They re-committed to their relationship. Both became softer, more compassionate and vulnerable with themselves and each other. Most importantly, they looked to higher level of reality than that of their problems. They opened to the spiritual potential and meaning in their predicament. If the universe was a benevolent place, and God was acting in all of their highest interest, what could be the teaching and gifts of this situation? They looked to their shared devotion to their daughter, and their commitment to offering her the best future that they could, in such a way that both of them could express their authentic selves with pride and joy. For Ray and Lucy, wonderful things started to happen. Instead of arguing and fighting with each other, they started to act as a team. They felt closer and more appreciative of each other. They started earning more money and having more sex. Not long after that an extraordinary quality started to emerge in their lovemaking. Lucy found that she was able to relax and open to Ray in a whole new way. During sex her focus became to enjoy her connection with Ray and to truly receive him into her body and heart. She let go of focusing purely on her orgasm, and felt like a full woman. She did orgasm, most times, and it was sometimes quite a spiritual experience where her whole body vibrated and her head felt both light and buzzy. Ray also relaxed-being welcomed so fully in his sexual potency meant that there was less urgency in sex, less need to prove anything. He felt his love and desire for Lucy, and felt proud to be a man.

The Sexual Explorer

Eleanor and Steve had been together for 30 years. They had made love together since they met as childhood sweethearts. Then as husband and wife, parents of three children, and with their careers and social life, their sexual relationship continued. At 52 when their second daughter left the home, they began to wonder-what now? Who are we? Where are we going as a couple? What do we each really want? They began to explore. They talked. They danced. They played. They went on naturist holidays. They dressed up. They went to a Tantra workshop. We met.

They explored deep sensuality. They enjoyed their own and each other’s bodies afresh. They learned techniques for sharing touch with awareness, and moving pleasure through the whole of the body. They learned about clear and honest communication from the heart. And Steve, his passion reawakened, started to wonder if he’d missed out, having had only one other sexual partner than Eleanor in his whole life. He loved Eleanor dearly, probably more than ever, but he also felt attracted to other women. He mentioned that she felt the same way. And yet they were both absolutely clear that they loved and desired each other and wanted to be together.

They talked some more and came up with a contract, an agreement between the two of them. In this they decided what level and detail of intimate contact they could each share with other people. This stopped short of sexual intercourse and was only permitted where the whole context (ie that of exploration, sensuality, sexuality, and intimacy, but not ongoing partnership or sexual intercourse) was clear and agreed to by all parties. They stayed true to their word, and learned a lot-both in terms of what they did and what they didn’t want to repeat. They had a lot of fun, and some deeply moving times, and really lived out many of their sexual fantasies and dreams. About two years later they decided to take a break and return to a purely monogamous relationship, with a greater sense of serenity and joy then before. ‘I really enjoyed that time,’ said Eleanor. ‘It’s just that, right now, my heart isn’t in it.’ ‘I guess we’re just following our impulses and feelings as they come.’ Steve told me. ‘The exploration is ongoing-who knows what may come next!’

This couple expressed the life-affirming, positive potential of the sexual explorer archetype. They used it to follow their desires and to find themselves. They defined their boundaries, and enriched their coupledom. They expressed a wide range of sexual personas and maintained safety by staying in honest and open dialogue, within clear and mutually determined contractual arrangements. They received gifts of flow, movement, excitement and peace.

Sex and Power

Patrick and Selena were living a negative aspect of sexual power, whereby sexual power was used against the other. Selena frequently spoke about other men who she found attractive, whilst simultaneously pointing out Pat’s shortcomings. She flirted with other men and frequently denied sexual contact with Pat. Pat for this part withdrew into himself, was inconsiderate of Selena’s feelings and needs, and complained a lot. He believed that she was responsible for his unhappiness. He watched porn as a sexual outlet, and particularly enjoyed scenes involving domination.

In fact, underneath their familiar behaviour patterns, both partners perceived themselves to be powerless victims. Selena wanted Pat to be strong and ‘masculine’, and yet in trying to make him that way she scorned and emasculated him, and she even felt more alone. Pat wanted respect, but thought he would get it by being subservient and taking what came his way. He too was waiting in vain for his partner to change, in order that he could feel better about himself. They periodically compensated for these agonising feelings by taking on the opposite role, that of the persecutor. In that role, they felt stronger and more in charge, but forfeited intimacy and partnership, ownership and true empowerment. An excellent way to find the gifts in a negative pattern such as this one is to play with the archetype, with humour. In so doing it is possible to really notice and feel the ways in which you and your partner are hurting each other, and to discover how to access and express the positive, life-affirming aspect of the same archetype.

Patrick and Selena did just that, at a workshop on this theme. It was cleat that Selena called the shots in their relationship, so I switched things around and gave her the role of the ‘slave’, and Patrick the ‘master’. The usually passive Patrick began to chase Selena around the room, quite viciously ordering her to do this and that. Selena looked both shocked and frightened. I asked Patrick if this was truly, deep down, the response he wanted in his beloved. He too looked taken aback, and then embarrassed and crestfallen. ‘No’, he said. I then invited Patrick to continue as the master, but to open his heart to Selena. I asked him to sense and imagine what she really wanted both intimately and sexually. I then suggested that he order her to do things that would allow her to meet those desires. Patrick told me that under normal circumstances Selena couldn’t just relax and receive touch and pleasure. She always thought that she had to something in return, to such a degree that she couldn’t really enjoy her own body, as she was constantly focused on reciprocating and pleasing Patrick. In the privacy of their own room, Pat and Selena first agreed a ‘stop’ word and sign, so that Selena knew that she was ultimately in charge and could call a halt to it all if she chose to. Patrick, as the benevolent, sexy ‘master’, then lovingly and gently handcuffed her and tied her legs to the bed posts with silk handkerchiefs. He then proceeded to gently caress her with ‘Tantric touch’ and to give her sexual pleasure. Selena knew that she could nothing to ‘escape’. After some wriggling, she gave in and began to allow herself to receive. Her usually hard and frowning expression melted as she succumbed to these delights. After a while her heart opened to Patrick, as tears came down her cheeks. Patrick felt powerful, masculine, sexy and loving. By finding the loving, life-enhancing sexual aspect of an archetype that had been governing their relationship, this couple had learned a new way of being together that brought each of them individually, and their relationship, more into harmony. Patrick experienced his loving masculine power and Selena surrendered into her receptive femininity.

Fact Box

To recover lost love, try this little exercise:
● Notice what you are blaming your partner for (e.g. not turning you on, not pulling their weight, not loving you or listening to you enough etc)
● Look into their eyes and lightly focus your awareness on a point about 3 fee above your heads, between you both. Ask yourself: If my partner were a reflection of an aspect of myself, what would that be?
● Ask yourself: What am I trying to gain by withholding your love and sexual expression?
● Could you commit to what is most important to you in life, and be willing to take the first step towards togetherness?
●Find a way to thank and acknowledge your partner.

Sexual Healing

Since the birth of her son, Rekha had not been the same. The birth had been traumatic on many fronts-the sergeant midwife, the hospital, the fear and pain, and most of all the instrumental birth with forceps and episiotomy. Sex didn’t feel the same any more, event two years on, when she had been told that her scar should have healed. Her vagina was both numb and painful. Although she knew it not to be true, she nonetheless, privately and illogically feared the vigorous thrusting from her partner’s penis would rip her open again. During a year-long Diamond Light Tantra training, they learned the technique of Yoni (Sanskrit for vagina, or ‘Sacred Place’) Healing. This is a profound energetic and physical ritual for, gently and over time, releasing physical and emotional trauma from the vagina. Through this practice her vagina gradually regained sensitivity and the capacity for pleasure again. Not only that, but the intimacy engendered y experiencing her partner so openly devoted to her healing, without demanding anything in return, and abstaining from sexual intercourse for months, opened her heart to him in a new way. She realised that he did truly love her, and it wasn’t all about sex. Their relationship too, received healing. This is a gift of this archetype, sexual healing. We are all connected, and when one partner receives this blessing, this can initiate healing in the other. The sexual healer archetype is motivated by love, compassion and connection. One of the greatest unspoken losses in a struggling relationship is that of confidence.

In writing about these success stories, it is my hope and intention to inspire you that transformation is truly possible, even when all hope appears to have been lost. I would like to emphasise that none of these couples moved through their dark nights of the soul alone. They all had support, guidance and encouragement of some kind. To paraphrase Sobonfu, who writes about intimacy in her traditional African culture, it takes a whole village, or community to support a marriage.

More Information

▪All of the names and identities of the couples cited here have been changed to preserve privacy. Many examples are actually composites of several couples. I have seen all of these archetypes in both similar and different forms on many occasions.
▪Leora Lightwoman runs workshops for individuals and couples and offers private sessions in Diamond Light Tantra. Her book Tantra-The Path to Blissful Sex shares some of the tools and practices used by the couples in this article. You can find out more by visiting or calling 0845 388 2231.

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Make love not war

New Statesman

In her final blog, Leora Lightwoman explains the relevance of Tantra, and takes us through her personal spiritual journey

For the main part, what is advertised as “Tantra” today is in fact “neo-Tantra”, modern syntheses of one or more traditional Tantric paths interwoven with more eclectic movement meditations, healing processes and personal sharing, dialogue and guidance.

The intention of these schools is to offer a practical, spiritual approach to relationships, meditation and life. So the goal is not purely “nirvana” or transcendence, but also to become a happier, more loving and fulfilled human being.

As body-oriented psychotherapy evolves, it has become ever clearer how our parents’ relationship – and this fundamentally involves their sexual relationship – shapes our own patterns in relationship and our sexual expression.

It is also apparent that dissatisfaction and immaturity in these areas leads to all manner of compensatory behaviours, from family break-up to sexual abuse to cultural, religious and international warfare. On the other hand, when one has a fulfilled, mature, spiritual sexual life, then a sense of completeness, overflowing love, connectedness and generosity is the natural consequence.

Tantra and neo-Tantra can offer both individuals and couples the skills and transformation required to truly “make love not war”.

My journey:

After completing a degree in Psychology, and feeling empty and unsatisfied with the information that I had learned, I trained as a yoga teacher. This gave meaning to my life. The method of yoga I was practising was from the Vajryana school of Buddhism, and it worked with the elements of earth, water, fire, air and ether (the substance within which all elements reside).

It was Tantric in the non-sexual sense. In exploring the elements as they related to the physical body, seeking balance and harmony, I reflected on these elements and this balance in the whole of life.

Meanwhile my intimate relationships were a mess. I was frequently attracted to men who were either unavailable or were not interested in committed partnership.

Motivated by feelings of frustration, isolation and longing for the truth, I travelled first to a Thai monastery to practice vipassana (insight) meditation, and then to Australia where I attended an international conference on the breath.

Here I discovered Tantra, or neo-Tantra, and it was absolutely a seminal moment in my life. Despite being a shy, rather awkward young woman, I realised that I could have a deep sense of connection with a whole room full of strangers, without wanting something from them or needing them to be any different.

I had a sense of wholeness and completeness in myself, for the first time in my adult life. It was truly as if my body were, to use a popular Tantric metaphor, a flute, and that my breath and energy could travel up and down it freely, and it was all integrated.

Meditation was a sexual experience. Sexual expression was mediation. Love was the gateway that connected them both. And it was both quite a raw personal experience of opening and feeling vulnerable in an unfamiliar way, and yet also very joyful and transcendent.

From that point I continued my Tantric studies with various teachers, and became a Tantra facilitator myself, starting my own school, Diamond Light Tantra, in 2000. Adults of all ages and backgrounds, and from different religions attend. Students report benefits such as reconnection with beauty and sacredness, recognition that true fulfilment lies within themselves, and renewed vitality and connection with life.

After many years of marriage devoid of deep intimacy, long-term partners have fallen in love with each other again. Women who connect more deeply with their bodies have been able to conceive, immediately, after years of unsuccessfully trying, and have healed trauma from early experiences including sexual abuse.

Men feel more in touch with their potency and identity as men, as well as with their capacity to give and receive love. Couples make love as a spiritual practice, as prayer, for their relationship, for their children and for the healing of the planet.

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Tantra, sexual energy and desire

New Statesman

We desire things because we perceive ourselves to be separate from them. Tantric mediations focus on moving beyond the apparent duality of desire and the object of desire.

There is a fundamental difference between directly experiencing sensuality and seeking it. Tantra is not hedonism, which is the pursuit of sensual pleasures. Tantra is the absorption in what is here now.

And of course, as human beings, we have desire.

“When desire or knowledge have manifested, forget their object and focus your mind on object-less desire or knowledge as being the Self. Then you will reach deep reality.”
Vijnanabhairava Tantra

Instead of trying to eliminate desire,Tantric mediations focus on seeing beyond the apparent duality of desire and its objects. We desire something because we perceive ourselves to be separate from it. As this sense of separation and lack dissolves, then the energy of desire ceases to become a bond to suffering, but instead an expression of joyful love and oneness.

“Every living thing perceives subject and object, but the tantrika resides in their union.”
Vijnanabhairava Tantra

Procreation, conception and birth are the most profound miracles of life. We all exist on this planet through this alchemical meeting of the sperm of our father with the egg of our mother. The essence of our existence is sexual. And sexual energy is both pleasurable and powerful. It is possible to enter into the wonders of this mystery as a meditation.

Symbols of the sexual-spiritual union of male and female exist all around us, once we open ourselves to that possibility. In traditional cultures the sky was seen as “father sky”, and the earth “mother earth”. The meeting of earth and sky is where male and female meet.

The Hindu Tantric symbol of the Shiva Lingam is a representation of the male and female genitals, and principles, fully united. These symbols can repeatedly remind us of this great mystery, and can remind us of this ultimate wonder.

“O Goddess! The sensual pleasure of the intimate bliss of union can be reproduced at any moment by the radiant presence of the mind that remembers intensely this pleasure.
When you meet again with a loved one, be in this bliss totally and penetrate the luminous space.”
Vijnanabhairava Tantra

Kriya Yoga is a system of techniques to consciously move energy through the body. Tantric Kriya Yoga involves direct sexual contact between love partners. There is no belief system, just a path of action, which produces powerful and immediate results, predictable, repeatable and objectively verifiable.

It works on all levels of a person’s life, strengthening the body, calming the emotions, enhancing thought processes, and leading to an inner balance that can open the door to spiritual awareness. It includes a rotation of conscious sexual forces between two partners, mixing the male and female energies in an internal alchemy.

In the words of the Vijnanabhairava Tantra:

“When you practice a sex ritual, let thought reside in the quivering of your senses like wind in the leaves, and reach the celestial bliss of ecstatic love.”

My own personal experiences include the wonders of a simple caressing meditation, which can be called “Tantric Touch”. One love partner connects with their own inner heart centre and a place of devotion whereby touch is offered as a celebration of the Divine.

They then tenderly caress their beloved with very fine, delicate continuous touch, first with a feather, and then with the fingertips. Every part of the body is honoured with equal reverence. This brings each partner fully present into the moment, and at a certain point the giver and receiver melt into one.

The receiver feels extremely alive, and it can be hard to locate the feather or fingertips on their body, as the whole skin feels gloriously alive and tingly. The first time that I experienced this, it was as if my mind expanded and my sense of touch was almost auditory, singing, and I was at once both peaceful and blissfully alive. I was filled with a sense of love and deep appreciation.

“While receiving a caress, sweet Princess, enter the loving as everlasting life.”
-excerpt from Shiva Sutra

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The History of Tantra

New Statesman

Leora Lightwoman explains how Tantra evolved into its present day form

Tantra is not a religion, although Tantric symbology and practices have emerged throughout history in all religions and cultures. Representations of the sacred union of the masculine and feminine principles, and the non-duality of this “sacred inner marriage” can be found as far back as 2000 BC in the Indus Valley civilization and the Egyptian old kingdom. Tantric principles are inherent in mystical Judaism (Kabbalah), Christianity and Sufism. Chinese Taoism is another strand of Tantra.

Tantra most obviously emerged in India, between 300 and 400 CE, when the first Hindu and Buddhist Tantric texts were written down, as poetic metaphors pointing to oneness and Divine love. These first writings were purposely obscure so that only initiates could understand them. Before that time, Tantric teachings were closely guarded and transmitted orally from master to disciple only after long periods of preparation and purification.

Tantra reached its climax in the 11th and 12th centuries, when it was practiced widely and openly in India. Tantra refuted the prevalent notion that liberation could be attained only through rigorous asceticism and by renunciation of the world. Tantrikas (tantric yogis) believed that human suffering arises from the mistaken notion of separation. It advocated celebration of the sensual and through so doing transcendence of the physical.

Tantra has been and still is practiced in three main forms: the monastic tradition, the householder tradition and by wandering yogis. Whereas Hinduism had many rules and laws, including strict divisions of caste, Tantra was totally non-denominational and could be practiced by anyone, even within daily life.

Thus meditations on weaving, for example, could be practiced by weavers, as they contemplated the interwoven and undifferentiated nature of existence, whereas mediations on eating, drinking and lovemaking could be practiced by kings and queens.

With the invasion of India in the 13th century came widespread slaughter of Tantrics and destruction of their manuscripts. Tantra went underground, where it has predominantly remained since. Tantric Buddhism was notably preserved in the monasteries of Tibet. After the Chinese invasion of Tibet, when monks and nuns were murdered and manuscripts destroyed, those who escaped have found ways to sensitively disseminate this knowledge more widely.

It is customary to divide Tantric paths into two sectors. Those where the individual practitioner works with his/her own sexual energy, mostly internally, are called “right-handed” paths or “white Tantra”. Then there are Tantric approaches that do involve direct sexual contact between love partners, and these are called “left-handed” Tantra or “red Tantra”. These terms, however, are themselves part of a more modern system of classification.

In the west, today, traditional Tantric practices can be found within the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, and via the Kundalini and Kriya yoga schools, all of which are right-handed paths. There is also the Taoist tradition, which has only slightly been modified, and this is a left-handed path. Daniel Odier was initiated by Lalita Devi in the Himalayas, in the lineage of Kasmimir Shaivism.

The main practices that he teaches are sitting meditation, the “tandava”, a form of very subtle free movement, where practitioners contact more and more refined states of the “divine tremoring” a resonance with the essence of life, and Kashmiri energy massage.

Traditionally, Tantric masters did not advertise themselves, and this is mostly still true today. Many exist, particularly in India, and I am sure in the west too, but you will not find too many Tantric masters via the internet!

The History of Tantra Read More »

Can you change your life in just a week?

Good Housekeeping Magazine

‘Now I have the confidence to say what I want’

Caralyn Duignan, 41, lives in Crewe with her partner, Michael Robbins, and her children, Emily, 12 and Mark, 10

‘Two years ago, my 17-year marriage had just ended and I was half-way through the divorce. My husband and I had gone for counseling but, in the end, we’d decided it would be kinder and quicker just to end it as soon as we could. It became very clinical-no shouting or vindictiveness, just very cold. I felt I’d become very closed up. I wasn’t talking to anyone-not even friends or family-about how I felt. It was as if I had a shell around me.

I’d ended up in the situation so many women get into: you’re so involved in your husband and children’s lives that you’ve no time to work out what you want for yourself. Everyone else had become more important that me. But telling my husband I wanted a divorce had been a great sense of release. We’d been drifting apart for some while and by then I’d met someone else-Michael. He and I got on well and it made me feel open to anything, so when he asked me if I’d like to go on a tantra weekend, I saw it as an opportunity just to be me. I did wonder what I’d let myself in for, though, and worried that everyone else on the weekend might be a bunch of weirdos.

We arrived at this lovely place in Somerset and settled into our room, which was part of an old converted byre. On our first night I was still very nervous but determined to give it a go. The weekend is called Dip Into Tantra and it teaches you about touch, relaxing and thinking about yourself and how you relate to other people. We were in a big group of 30 people, both couples and singles. It was very clear that everything was voluntary-we were encouraged to participate but if anything didn’t feel right, we could say no.

‘If you were attending with a partner you stayed with him or her. We had one session where we were blindfolded. We were fed morsels of tasty food and given shells to feel, and we listened to music and had essential oils wafted under our noses. All my senses were brought alive and it was very moving. I was so emotional that I burst into tears and began to see how much I’d been keeping everything bottled up.

‘I also brought away the idea that it’s not only good to give but also to get things back. I used to think, particularly with sex, “If I do this for you, then I expect that back from you.” With tantra there’s no expectation. Also, I’d never tried massage before and enjoying it on the course helped me to awaken my physical side.

I’ve always been quite a traditional person and conformed to what life ‘should’ be. But my relationship with Michael now is like nothing I’ve experienced before-and we talk about everything. I feel more sure about myself, and I have the confidence to talk about myself, about sex and my relationships with the people who mean most to me.’

If you’re up for a challenge find out about tantric courses from Diamond Light Tantra on 0845 388 2231 or visit


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